Living off of fumes

Spiritual fumes.

That is what it seems I am living off of. The recent revelation that I had (I say that in the hopeful sense because it has to be confirmed that I am clear, but signs are good although no medical verification yet) skin cancer has really made me evaluate everything about my life from the time I spend with my family, to my schooling, to work, to volunteering, to church, and to my spiritual life.

I used to believe that one could be spiritual apart from church. All one needs to do is read their Bible and pray regularly. A healthy spiritual life is just between the individual and Jesus. I do not believe that any more. I believe the church (or you can use that word community or Christian friends - people outside of one's family) are essential to healthy spirituality. Although I feel like I am on the verge of experiencing it at the church we are attending, I just do not feel that it is there yet nor am I hopeful that it will ever manifest itself. It seems like we are not of like mind on how communal spirituality should be lived out. Some in the church could care less, but it seems almost impossible to spiritually connect even with those who do care. Maybe it is just me and I need to change, but I just can't put my mind around how to fix myself or the situation. We have a weekly fellowship meal now, but true fellowship cannot be a program that is completed. It has to be a longing in each one's heart.

Through my self-examination (of both my skin and my spiritual life) of the last few weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I have been living off of spiritual fumes since we left the Lansing church. We have made some good friends along the way, but the spiritual union just is not there like we had (still have when we encounter them) with our brothers and sisters in the Lansing church. And I do not know what the hindrance is. It seems that everyone is so busy doing church that we do not take the time or the mental energy to be the church. But I do feel that six years has been long enough to empty the tank. We are empty and running on fumes. Thankfully, God lets these fumes last a long time but I am ready to fill up the tank.